


When Their Real Life Started

by missbriggs



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26732809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missbriggs/pseuds/missbriggs
Summary: A closer look into what happened between the lines of Gwendolyn Briggs and Mildred Ratched's relationship.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 3
Kudos: 76





	When Their Real Life Started

“She haunts me,” the words kept echoing in her mind as she heard Trevor climb the stairs and she felt the drink burn her throat.

Gwendolyn Briggs thought that door had closed in her life a long time ago. Her first love–the only love she had known until now–had died taking with her every hope for a happy future. So, she married Trevor and pretended to have the kind of life that would not land her on Dr. Hanover’s table for a lobotomy to rid her of her _lesbianism_. Her weekends in Frisco were enough to keep her satisfied…or so she thought.

It took one look exchange for Gwendolyn to realize she was not satisfied. She needed more. She wanted more. And all she could think about was having _that_ with Mildred Ratched. The woman who so eagerly allowed her to feed her oysters and so rapidly ran away from being perceived as a lesbian. In between those actions was something Gwendolyn could not escape.

She could not live a lie anymore. Even if Mildred never found the courage to love her, Gwendolyn knew she could not go back to the life she had before the nurse said, “I know exactly who you are.” Because how could she ever escape the truth? How could she pretend she was not already in love with Mildred?

* * *

“But, darling, if you knew I am the one who hurt him by leaving him for the kind of life I want with you,” Gwendolyn thought as she heard Mildred ask if her husband had caused her any harm.

Mildred had put her things away, then sat on the bed next to her before running away once more. However short those minutes had been, Gwendolyn knew there was _something_ between them. She knew she was not imaging it. But she also knew patience and time would be her friends.

Years ago, she had been Mildred. She had stood in her bedroom wondering why a fire ignited in her when a girl had dared to hold her hand. Wondering if she would ever be happy. She too had been afraid. She too had run away at first. Then one day, she understood it was okay to love women. And after meeting Mildred, she knew it was okay to stop hiding her truth.

So, she would wait for Mildred. And if the day never came, if she could never love her the same way, Gwendolyn would be satisfied knowing she had loved once again. Because even loving this woman from afar was enough to make life worthwhile.

* * *

Another drink burning her throat as another Mildred action haunted her. If only she had not seen that man. If only she had not heard the moans. A “relationship,” she had called it, but Gwendolyn knew that was not possible. Or was it? The thought made her shiver as she put her cigarette to her lips again.

She was not angry. How could she be? She was _envious_. She envied the man who moments ago had been in the arms she longed for. She wanted to feel Mildred’s lips against the skin that had not been kissed in so long. She wanted her body to tremble as she felt that woman’s touch and heard her moans rumble in her ear. She wanted the entanglement of legs and sheets as they held each other so close their bodies became one. But all she had was an empty room, a bottle of bourbon, and a half-lit cigarette.

* * *

“Perhaps we could go to that restaurant again, the charming one near the ocean…the life you can have now that you’ve left your husband. Your courage inspires me.” Gwendolyn kept replaying the encounter with Mildred in her car over and over again. She had done it; she had made her way into the nurse’s heart.

In that moment, she had wanted to tell her. If her soul had not been so surprised by the dinner invitation, she would have said the words. She would have said, “it’s because of you, darling. I can have this life now because you have disrupted everything. You have changed my life, Mildred. And I do not want to go back to a life that would not have allowed me to offer you the best of me.”

But, instead, Gwendolyn smiled and agreed to have dinner with her. _Something_ was changing in Mildred, and she was an enamored witness. Because just like she had suspected, patience and time were her friends.

* * *

Gwendolyn laid in bed that night, but her brain never calmed down. Mildred’s words kept echoing in her heart. She had feelings for her as well. She had invited her to a dance as her companion. She was allowing her to walk into her life, into her heart, into her more intimate world.

The soft touch of Mildred’s hand squeezing hers had turned Gwendolyn’s world upside down. She could have never imagined the warmth coming from the other woman’s body. Just one hand squeeze had made her feel at home. The home she had dreamed of while married to Trevor. She knew Mildred could be _that_.

By now Gwendolyn knew the nurse’s way was slow but affirmative. Since everything started between them, Mildred had hinted needing to be given time and space. And Gwendolyn was willing to give her everything she asked for. After all, they had nothing but time.

* * *

“Trevor would have a blast if he saw me right now,” Gwendolyn said to herself as she tried on the third outfit of the night. What was happening to her? Why did she care so much about the way she looked?

Her entire life she had known exactly what to wear. Skirts, blazers, and hats out in public. Red lipstick and a nice hairdo. But when the doors closed, she was free to wear what she wanted. The high-waisted pants and shirts were how she felt the most comfortable. If only she could wear a nice pair of trousers to the dance…Trevor would have never allowed it.

That night was about more than feeling comfortable, she wanted to look _beautiful_. She wanted to look like the kind of woman Mildred would feel proud to be seen with. So, the blue dress would have to do.

* * *

When Gwendolyn was trying dress after dress, she never thought her night would end with a bullet in her lung. It had all happened so fast. One minute they were comforting nurse Bucket and the next she was on the floor with blood coming out of her chest. The last thing she remembered before passing out was hearing Mildred’s soft whispers, “stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me.”

Next thing she knew, she could hear Mildred’s voice and she could feel her warm hand on hers. She had stayed by Gwendolyn’s side, waiting for her to wake up. That had to mean more than a simple, silly crush…she wanted it to mean more.

Even though her entire body hurt, Gwendolyn felt an energy she had never felt before. “Maybe this is what being in love is supposed to feel like,” she thought as she laid in the hospital bed. Her long marriage to Trevor had made her forget what it was like when your heart desired someone else. She had loved him, of course, but it was not _this_ kind of love. The kind that starts at your core and lights your body on fire. Only Mildred had awakened that passion in her.

* * *

Gwendolyn did not know what else could be said. Mildred was driving the car in silence back to the motel after the terrible puppet show and a dinner full of confessions. Edmund was her brother, and she had kept it a secret.

If she had kept this silent, what else could she be hiding? Gwendolyn did not dare to imagine. She cared about Mildred. She _loved_ Mildred. And she wished she could have protected her from the horrors of life. It was too late for that now, but maybe she could give her the life she deserved. Maybe now she could offer her a happy ending.

In time, Gwendolyn knew she would be mad at the nurse. She would be upset by the lies and the deceiving attitude. But right now, all she wanted to do was reach for her hand and say, “it’s okay, darling. Life has not been fair to you, and you are doing the best you can.” She lit a cigarette instead.

* * *

The raindrops were loud against the car as Gwendolyn sat in the parking lot lighting up yet another cigarette. She felt lost and confused. Two days earlier, the governor had fired her. Two hours earlier, the doctor’s words had cut through her as he said she had a tumor the size of a walnut in her breast. What else could possibly go wrong?

She was alone. She could not turn to Trevor with this news after walking out on their arrangement. She could not talk to Mildred because she was angry with her. In that moment, Gwendolyn felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. Being strong meant dealing with this on her own.

But she did not want that. She did not want to face cancer alone. Once more, Gwendolyn found herself longing to be in Mildred’s arms. She needed to feel the comfort she felt around the nurse. She needed to feel like her life was not over already.

When the doctor spoke to her, she wondered _why_ this was happening to her now. “If I was meant to die,” Gwendolyn thought, “why didn’t I die before meeting Mildred? Why didn’t I die when life made no sense at all?” She was finally free to live her truth, and it had all been taken away from her in the blink of an eye.

* * *

For the last month, Mildred’s sleep had been restless. Even though her treatment drained her of all energy, Gwendolyn would stay awake until her lover had finally fallen asleep. But that night it was different. That night she watched her chest rising and falling into a steady breathing. That night she could not close her eyes.

Mexico was a nice distraction; one that had helped her beat cancer and grow strong again. Bucket’s visit was a nice distraction. But they were just that, distractions from the reality that haunted them. Both women knew Edmund could show up any time. They knew he would show up. As much as she put on a brave face for Mildred, Gwendolyn was terrified of losing her. She could not imagine what life would be like if he took her love away from her. She did not want to imagine a life without Mildred Ratched by her side.

Watching Mildred that night, Gwendolyn realized her life, her _real_ life, had not started until the day they met. For so long, she had felt no one would ever make her feel alive. She pictured her life as a constant loop of dinners and events next to a husband who made her feel nothing, with a few weekends in Frisco. Then the nurse arrived and dared her to imagine a life of desire, passion, and romance. A life in which Gwendolyn was free to be herself, to change the skirts for pants, and her husband’s rough hand for the soft hand of the woman she loved. She could not lose her now that she had finally understood what love was about.

Gwendolyn had spent most of her life hiding who she truly was, and those circumstances had taught her to remain calm in the face of adversity. That was what she was doing for Mildred. She was remaining calm as she answered the same question every morning while she read the newspaper. She remained calm every time Mildred’s breath caught in her throat, thinking she had seen her brother. But at night the calmness disappeared. At night she was allowed to shed a few silent tears, afraid the life she had always longed for would be taken away from her.


End file.
